| Three Years |
[Oct. 20th, 2010|06:41 pm] |
It has been three years since Jennifer and I started dating.
I cannot think of a moment where I haven't been glad that we found each other.
Even though we're not always able to be together, my love for her is as strong as ever.
I love you sweetheart.
Happy anniversary. |
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| Do you ever... |
[Mar. 8th, 2010|07:04 pm] |
Do you ever feel like you have so much to say, but then when you sit down to write it down, nothing springs to mind?
Yeah. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 31st, 2009|09:22 am] |
／l、
（ﾟ､ ｡ ７ ~(?)
l、 ~ヽ
じしf_,)ノ |
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| Two Years |
[Oct. 20th, 2009|01:40 am] |
Jennifer and I went on our first date two years ago today. It's hard to believe that it's been two years since that day. We've both been through a lot together and independently since that day. However, it's all been made the better by being together, if not always physically.
Having this situation where we only get to see each other twice a week most of the time, sometimes more, sometimes less, has been difficult, but it's more than worth it.
Here's to hoping that some day, and hopefully sooner than later, we'll be able to be together every day.
I love you sweetheart. |
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| Moon Festival, Moon Cakes, and Lame Americanized Festivals |
[Oct. 13th, 2009|08:39 pm] |
| [ | Current chemical imbalance |
| |  lazy | ] |
So the Saturday before last, Jennifer (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1) jitterro) and I went to the Moon Festival (a.k.a. The Mid-Autumn festival) in Chinatown. Now, many people like to go to these things and hang out for several hours, but I like to drop in and see what's going on, get what I came for, then leave. I don't mind hanging out at places, but usually these types of events have too many people for my tastes. After looking around a bit (and taking a while to find free parking [I pretty much refuse to pay for parking in LA]) I remember that we had gone to this particular festival last year and we did much the same thing. Poke our heads in, see what was up, then leave. To be honest, though I like Chinatown, there isn't as much to do there as Little Tokyo. Though, I haven't been to Little Tokyo in a while either. Downtown LA is a bit far and I'd rather spend time with Jennifer just hanging out at her apartment. This has had the unintended effect of making my recent photos a bit more boring and less frequent, but I've been enjoying the more relaxed weekends. That being said I need to make some plans for going out to specifically shoot a few things that have been floating in my head these next few weeks.
</digresson>
( Continued after the jump )
Heh, two years ago today Jennifer (jitterro) and I went to the Getty together. |
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| Insomnia |
[Sep. 28th, 2009|11:09 pm] |
| [ | Current chemical imbalance |
| | awake | ] |
For the past year or so, I've been battling insomnia. Now, you may think that being awake at 23:00 isn't exactly insomnia, but I clock in at work at 04:00 and have to wake up at 02:30 in order to get to work on time (the person I carpool with clocks in at 03:00, I used to clock in at that time as well). So it's been a fairly regular occurrence for me to get either no sleep or just a scant few hours of sleep. When I'm not in school I usually get a short nap after work (an hour or two), but that changed after a while and I started to sleep longer after work (maybe 3-4 hours). So now my entire sleep schedule is in extreme disarray.
Recently (about the past week or so) I've been trying to reset that and get to bed somewhere from 21:00 to 22:00. Obviously I've failed in that endeavor tonight. I'm not even tired yet and it's 23:15.
All the normal things and some less than normal things keep me up at night even when I do go to bed. Head hitting pillow used to be a pretty good solution for sleeplessness, but no longer.
This hasn't been helped by my work's serious crackdown on people who show up late (or call in sick). So now I worry about waking up on time for work when it really isn't a natural time to wake up.
Tomorrow I'm going to make another attempt at sleeping at the proper time and I'm going to attempt to go to bed after I post this entry, but it can be difficult.
I suppose feeling rather listless for the past couple of days hasn't helped either. |
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| Prints and Storage |
[Sep. 15th, 2009|11:35 pm] |
| [ | Current chemical imbalance |
| | Eh | ] |
| [ | The noise in the machine |
| | Beautiful - Round Table Featuring Nino - APRIL | ] |
I have too many prints from when I used to have to scan prints instead of negatives/slides. I need to get rid of some of these so I can have more storage for negatives. I recently gave quite a few prints of portraits of Jennifer to her parents (Well, to her mom really.) and they seemed to them. I'm not really sure what to do with the rest of them. I have a bunch of older stuff from when I visited Portland in 2007 up until about maybe six months ago. I don't want to just toss them and I'm unsure of what else exactly I could do with them. I've been thinking about various art projects I could do, but nothing really seems my style.
I know a couple I want to post to Marc-David, but I'm not sure beyond that.
I thought of making some sort of a collage, but I don't really have any wallspace in my room either.
I am still longing to do some sort of an exhibition at Boomers (Local coffee shop) but printing and framing costs make it a bit prohibitive at the moment. Perhaps I should create a collage based on some theme for that? Seems like it would be an interesting addition to show. I'm not really sure.
On quite a few meds after a visit to the Doctor on Monday. Antibiotics, steroids, decongestants, stomach medication (previous ulcer worries complicated by steroids side-effects) and the like. Feeling better already though, which is nice. I'm quite done with being sick.
I have a Porcupine Tree concert here on Saturday which is the last concert I have planned for the immediate future. Ought to be fun. Going with Jennifer and Josh.
Really been itching to go large format lately. I'd need a better light meter and well, a large format camera (I'd like to go straight to 8x10" and just skip 4x5"), but the process of it all has been very attractive lately. Hopefully I'll be able to shoot large format before they get rid of things like Velvia and Provia in 8x10". Just don't have the finances for it yet. Soon hopefully.
Then on Monday I have to move Jennifer in to her new apartment (with roommate) at UCLA. Busy weekend ahead. I best feel better. Ha ha ha. |
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| Things have been happening... |
[Sep. 10th, 2009|10:22 pm] |
| [ | Current chemical imbalance |
| | grim | ] |
| [ | The noise in the machine |
| | And All That Could Have Been - Still - Nine Inch Nails | ] |
So as I sit here in my room for the sixth day in a row not leaving the house to go anywhere except for work, I'm starting to feel a bit stir crazy.
I'm sick. I haven't been this sick for a while. Fever, sinus stuff, coughing, etc. It's pretty annoying. That really isn't what's on my mind lately though.
I've made a change.
I walked away from Aerospace Engineering. I didn't like my classes, I wasn't interested in the material, and I was just beating myself up about all of it. About how long I've been in school, all the time I've wasted, and how many years of my life have been washed away in mediocrity. It has me down lately. This burden of failure is a heavy thing to bear. At nearly twenty-six years of age, I still live with my parents and my future is just as far away as it was when I graduated from High School.
I've struggled through these years with laziness, avoidance, denial, difficult classes, balancing work with school, and trying to maintain some semblance of a social life. One of my largest obstacles is that failure is a feedback loop. The more you fail, the easier it is to fail. I've fought with the depression and anxiety that all of this has brought me and I just couldn't do it any more. I went to see a councilor and they told me that I didn't belong there. I knew it, I had felt that way for a long time, but it was still difficult to hear. I should have never picked that major in the first place. I left high school with no more math than Algebra two. I really wasn't prepared to be thrust into engineering, not to mention I had never enjoyed math much. Over the years I've spent at Cal Poly I've managed to get through three levels of Calculus and I've developed an appreciation for math. I still don't love it, but I like it and I like using it. But still, I struggled with many classes for a good while.
So I found myself with some large decisions to be made.
I wracked my brain trying to figure out what I would rather pursue as a career path. I certainly didn't want to do any other engineering. I didn't like the department, and I didn't really find any of the other sects interesting. I immediately threw out anything that didn't have some connection to science and logic, I'm not really interested in a Bachelor of Arts. Those things interest me, but I don't think I'd want to do them for work.
Then I began to wonder if I really was cut out for college at all. I just felt so drained of motivation and drive. I didn't want to do anything. I felt like the game was already over. I've already lost. Wasted years of my life and lots of money with nothing to show for it. I was and am basically a child in an adult body. A parasite who leeches off my parents with no hope of making something of myself. I knew my parents would be disappointed in my decision, but I knew that beating my head against the wall more wasn't really going to accomplish anything, still I didn't like disappointing them.
After a lot of thought and talking to people, I settled on Computer Science. The math is certainly within my grasp and I would only have about two years of work to do since nearly everything except for major classes was already done. That and I'm interested in the material. I like computers, I like writing code and solving those kinds of problems. I like the department too, I already feel a difference with they way they treat students there. My parents aren't happy about it and they certainly aren't happy with the very probably reality of me living here at home for another two years, but I don't really know what else to do.
I'm still struggling with this void. This desire to just give up and shut myself in my room. But, this is tempered with the fact that I am genuinely interested in the subjects I'm going to be studying. Not to mention that I'm really sick of my situation. Not because my parents are horrible or anything, but I crave independence horridly. I crave a change of scene. I want to move on. I've been here too long.
School starts in a couple of weeks. I'm telling myself that I can do this and that I have a real plan now. I'm not just fooling myself anymore and trying desperately to keep a house of cards from falling apart. But still there is a loud voice of doubt and self-hatred.
I don't really want to end this on a hopeful note. I've had so many entries like this before. I sound like an addict, only my addiction is to failure, laziness, mediocrity, and living the life of a loser.
I'm just going to try and throw myself into my work. Hopefully that will quell this feeling I have that I am essentially worthless. |
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| Sigh |
[Feb. 26th, 2009|12:27 am] |
I'm in a bad mood and I don't know how to make it go away. I'm doing better in school now than I have in years, but I still could be putting more effort into it. I stay in my room and just work on stuff, but it still isn't enough, I'm not focused enough. Sigh.
I miss Jennifer and I don't see her often enough. It sucks.
I'm not going to get much sleep tonight. |
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| The Election |
[Nov. 5th, 2008|07:36 am] |
Well, Obama won. That is a bright spot. I hope he does great things. Just don't screw it up man. We're counting on you.
Also, fuck you religion and your shit-eating proposition 8. Bastards. |
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