| Two Years |
[Oct. 20th, 2009|01:40 am] |
Jennifer and I went on our first date two years ago today. It's hard to believe that it's been two years since that day. We've both been through a lot together and independently since that day. However, it's all been made the better by being together, if not always physically.
Having this situation where we only get to see each other twice a week most of the time, sometimes more, sometimes less, has been difficult, but it's more than worth it.
Here's to hoping that some day, and hopefully sooner than later, we'll be able to be together every day.
I love you sweetheart. |
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| Moon Festival, Moon Cakes, and Lame Americanized Festivals |
[Oct. 13th, 2009|08:39 pm] |
| [ | Current chemical imbalance |
| |  lazy | ] |
So the Saturday before last, Jennifer (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) jitterro) and I went to the Moon Festival (a.k.a. The Mid-Autumn festival) in Chinatown. Now, many people like to go to these things and hang out for several hours, but I like to drop in and see what's going on, get what I came for, then leave. I don't mind hanging out at places, but usually these types of events have too many people for my tastes. After looking around a bit (and taking a while to find free parking [I pretty much refuse to pay for parking in LA]) I remember that we had gone to this particular festival last year and we did much the same thing. Poke our heads in, see what was up, then leave. To be honest, though I like Chinatown, there isn't as much to do there as Little Tokyo. Though, I haven't been to Little Tokyo in a while either. Downtown LA is a bit far and I'd rather spend time with Jennifer just hanging out at her apartment. This has had the unintended effect of making my recent photos a bit more boring and less frequent, but I've been enjoying the more relaxed weekends. That being said I need to make some plans for going out to specifically shoot a few things that have been floating in my head these next few weeks.
</digresson>
( Continued after the jump )
Heh, two years ago today Jennifer (jitterro) and I went to the Getty together. |
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| Insomnia |
[Sep. 28th, 2009|11:09 pm] |
| [ | Current chemical imbalance |
| | awake | ] |
For the past year or so, I've been battling insomnia. Now, you may think that being awake at 23:00 isn't exactly insomnia, but I clock in at work at 04:00 and have to wake up at 02:30 in order to get to work on time (the person I carpool with clocks in at 03:00, I used to clock in at that time as well). So it's been a fairly regular occurrence for me to get either no sleep or just a scant few hours of sleep. When I'm not in school I usually get a short nap after work (an hour or two), but that changed after a while and I started to sleep longer after work (maybe 3-4 hours). So now my entire sleep schedule is in extreme disarray.
Recently (about the past week or so) I've been trying to reset that and get to bed somewhere from 21:00 to 22:00. Obviously I've failed in that endeavor tonight. I'm not even tired yet and it's 23:15.
All the normal things and some less than normal things keep me up at night even when I do go to bed. Head hitting pillow used to be a pretty good solution for sleeplessness, but no longer.
This hasn't been helped by my work's serious crackdown on people who show up late (or call in sick). So now I worry about waking up on time for work when it really isn't a natural time to wake up.
Tomorrow I'm going to make another attempt at sleeping at the proper time and I'm going to attempt to go to bed after I post this entry, but it can be difficult.
I suppose feeling rather listless for the past couple of days hasn't helped either. |
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| Prints and Storage |
[Sep. 15th, 2009|11:35 pm] |
| [ | Current chemical imbalance |
| | Eh | ] |
| [ | The noise in the machine |
| | Beautiful - Round Table Featuring Nino - APRIL | ] |
I have too many prints from when I used to have to scan prints instead of negatives/slides. I need to get rid of some of these so I can have more storage for negatives. I recently gave quite a few prints of portraits of Jennifer to her parents (Well, to her mom really.) and they seemed to them. I'm not really sure what to do with the rest of them. I have a bunch of older stuff from when I visited Portland in 2007 up until about maybe six months ago. I don't want to just toss them and I'm unsure of what else exactly I could do with them. I've been thinking about various art projects I could do, but nothing really seems my style.
I know a couple I want to post to Marc-David, but I'm not sure beyond that.
I thought of making some sort of a collage, but I don't really have any wallspace in my room either.
I am still longing to do some sort of an exhibition at Boomers (Local coffee shop) but printing and framing costs make it a bit prohibitive at the moment. Perhaps I should create a collage based on some theme for that? Seems like it would be an interesting addition to show. I'm not really sure.
On quite a few meds after a visit to the Doctor on Monday. Antibiotics, steroids, decongestants, stomach medication (previous ulcer worries complicated by steroids side-effects) and the like. Feeling better already though, which is nice. I'm quite done with being sick.
I have a Porcupine Tree concert here on Saturday which is the last concert I have planned for the immediate future. Ought to be fun. Going with Jennifer and Josh.
Really been itching to go large format lately. I'd need a better light meter and well, a large format camera (I'd like to go straight to 8x10" and just skip 4x5"), but the process of it all has been very attractive lately. Hopefully I'll be able to shoot large format before they get rid of things like Velvia and Provia in 8x10". Just don't have the finances for it yet. Soon hopefully.
Then on Monday I have to move Jennifer in to her new apartment (with roommate) at UCLA. Busy weekend ahead. I best feel better. Ha ha ha. |
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| Things have been happening... |
[Sep. 10th, 2009|10:22 pm] |
| [ | Current chemical imbalance |
| | grim | ] |
| [ | The noise in the machine |
| | And All That Could Have Been - Still - Nine Inch Nails | ] |
So as I sit here in my room for the sixth day in a row not leaving the house to go anywhere except for work, I'm starting to feel a bit stir crazy.
I'm sick. I haven't been this sick for a while. Fever, sinus stuff, coughing, etc. It's pretty annoying. That really isn't what's on my mind lately though.
I've made a change.
I walked away from Aerospace Engineering. I didn't like my classes, I wasn't interested in the material, and I was just beating myself up about all of it. About how long I've been in school, all the time I've wasted, and how many years of my life have been washed away in mediocrity. It has me down lately. This burden of failure is a heavy thing to bear. At nearly twenty-six years of age, I still live with my parents and my future is just as far away as it was when I graduated from High School.
I've struggled through these years with laziness, avoidance, denial, difficult classes, balancing work with school, and trying to maintain some semblance of a social life. One of my largest obstacles is that failure is a feedback loop. The more you fail, the easier it is to fail. I've fought with the depression and anxiety that all of this has brought me and I just couldn't do it any more. I went to see a councilor and they told me that I didn't belong there. I knew it, I had felt that way for a long time, but it was still difficult to hear. I should have never picked that major in the first place. I left high school with no more math than Algebra two. I really wasn't prepared to be thrust into engineering, not to mention I had never enjoyed math much. Over the years I've spent at Cal Poly I've managed to get through three levels of Calculus and I've developed an appreciation for math. I still don't love it, but I like it and I like using it. But still, I struggled with many classes for a good while.
So I found myself with some large decisions to be made.
I wracked my brain trying to figure out what I would rather pursue as a career path. I certainly didn't want to do any other engineering. I didn't like the department, and I didn't really find any of the other sects interesting. I immediately threw out anything that didn't have some connection to science and logic, I'm not really interested in a Bachelor of Arts. Those things interest me, but I don't think I'd want to do them for work.
Then I began to wonder if I really was cut out for college at all. I just felt so drained of motivation and drive. I didn't want to do anything. I felt like the game was already over. I've already lost. Wasted years of my life and lots of money with nothing to show for it. I was and am basically a child in an adult body. A parasite who leeches off my parents with no hope of making something of myself. I knew my parents would be disappointed in my decision, but I knew that beating my head against the wall more wasn't really going to accomplish anything, still I didn't like disappointing them.
After a lot of thought and talking to people, I settled on Computer Science. The math is certainly within my grasp and I would only have about two years of work to do since nearly everything except for major classes was already done. That and I'm interested in the material. I like computers, I like writing code and solving those kinds of problems. I like the department too, I already feel a difference with they way they treat students there. My parents aren't happy about it and they certainly aren't happy with the very probably reality of me living here at home for another two years, but I don't really know what else to do.
I'm still struggling with this void. This desire to just give up and shut myself in my room. But, this is tempered with the fact that I am genuinely interested in the subjects I'm going to be studying. Not to mention that I'm really sick of my situation. Not because my parents are horrible or anything, but I crave independence horridly. I crave a change of scene. I want to move on. I've been here too long.
School starts in a couple of weeks. I'm telling myself that I can do this and that I have a real plan now. I'm not just fooling myself anymore and trying desperately to keep a house of cards from falling apart. But still there is a loud voice of doubt and self-hatred.
I don't really want to end this on a hopeful note. I've had so many entries like this before. I sound like an addict, only my addiction is to failure, laziness, mediocrity, and living the life of a loser.
I'm just going to try and throw myself into my work. Hopefully that will quell this feeling I have that I am essentially worthless. |
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| Sigh |
[Feb. 26th, 2009|12:27 am] |
I'm in a bad mood and I don't know how to make it go away. I'm doing better in school now than I have in years, but I still could be putting more effort into it. I stay in my room and just work on stuff, but it still isn't enough, I'm not focused enough. Sigh.
I miss Jennifer and I don't see her often enough. It sucks.
I'm not going to get much sleep tonight. |
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| The Election |
[Nov. 5th, 2008|07:36 am] |
Well, Obama won. That is a bright spot. I hope he does great things. Just don't screw it up man. We're counting on you.
Also, fuck you religion and your shit-eating proposition 8. Bastards. |
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| One year |
[Oct. 20th, 2008|11:44 am] |
| [ | Current chemical imbalance |
| |  loved | ] |
One year ago (and I posted the day after). My life changed in a momentous way.
It has been a fantastic year and I look forward to every moment together with you sweetheart.
I love you.
Happy Anniversary. |
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| FUCK YES. |
[Oct. 17th, 2008|10:37 am] |
After all my years of waiting! YESSSSSSSSSS! |
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| I wanted |
[Oct. 6th, 2008|10:09 pm] |
|
I wanted to go see AC/DC when they're going to be in town this December, but 90.50 a ticket? No thanks. That sucks. They're likely to die soon. Oh well. |
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| Yet Another Meme |
[Sep. 25th, 2008|07:49 pm] |
From jitterro
1. Do you like bleu cheese? Hecks yes. Gorgonzola mmmmmm.
2. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? Hell no and I really don't understand the appeal.
3. Do you own a gun? I wish. There are a few firearms I have my eye on.
4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? Have I even been to a Sonic? I don't remember.
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Yeah. I don't like not being in control.
6. What do you think of hot dogs? ALL BEEF FRANKS! (Yeah, Pinks does sound good.)
7. Favorite Christmas song? Carol of the Bells. That being said, I generally dislike christmas.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Soymilk.
9. Can you do push-ups? Not a whole bunch, but yes.
10. What's your favorite meal? Dude, don't ask me to pick. I love eating.
11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? Heh, my plastic wristbands? :D
12. Favorite hobby? Too many to list, though I'd say that photography is probably near the top.
13. Do you work with people who idolize you? Somehow, I doubt that highly and that makes me glaaaaaaaad.
14. Do you have A.D.D? Look a butterfly! Seriously, I don't really know, I've never been tested, but I doubt it.
15. What's one trait that you dislike about yourself? You want me to choose just one? Probably my laziness.
16. Middle name? Joseph.
17. Name 3 thoughts at this moment.
1. I really want to be done with this kidney stones bullshit.
2. I miss Jennifer. A lot.
3. I wish I had some more cash for photography equipment.
18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday: I didn't buy anything yesterday. So there
20. Current worry right now? Doing well in school and not having enough money.
21. Current hate right now? Kidney goddamned stones.
22. Favorite place to be? With Jennifer.
23. How did you bring in New Year's? Having a bonfire in San Diego with Jennifer and friends. That was a great day.
24. Where would you like to go? Germany, Japan, Italy, Sweden, China, lots of places.
25. Who will complete this? Nobody.
26. Whose answer do you want to read the most? See above.
27. What color shirt are you wearing? Black. It says "Shirt of Invisibility +2"
28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Never slept on them.
29. Can you whistle? Yep. Two different ways.
30. Favorite color(s)? Black.
31. Would you be a pirate? Too late! Oh, you mean the kind that says "Arrrrr." No.
32. What songs do you sing in the shower? Snippets of random stuff, but very rarely.
33. Favorite girl's name? I could answer this, but it would be super sappy.
34. Favorite boy's name? Mine! I love my name actually. That particular sentiment seems to be uncommon.
35. What's in your pocket right now? Ha! I'm not wearing pants!
36. Last thing that made you laugh? Dave at work.
37. Best bed sheets as a child? WTF?
38. Worst injury you've ever had? The worst pain I've ever had is these fucking kidney stones. I've also broken my elbow. I was in 7th grade (I think).
39. Do you love where you live? S'okay.
40. How many TVs do you have in your house? Four?
41. Who is your loudest friend? Josh maybe.
42. How many dogs do you have? One, but he's one paw in the grave.
43. Does someone have a crush on you? I believe so. :D The feeling is quite shared.
45. What is your favorite book? The Stranger by Albert Camus.
46. What is your favorite candy? Hmmm. Either chocolate or sour punch straws (ZOMG cherry ones).
47. What is your favorite sports team? None.
48. What song do you want played at your funeral? Do the play songs when they put your body in a dumpster? Well, if I really had my way my friends would smuggle my body to Mexico and burn it on a HUGE pyre in the desert while playing heavy metal and roasting meat on the fire. That'd be sweet.
49. What were you doing 12 AM last night? Sleepin'.
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning? Crap, I have to go to work. |
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| What a Nightmare |
[Sep. 21st, 2008|10:00 pm] |
So... I'm in the emergency room at about 04:00 this morning in debilitating pain and it occurs to me that if I do need surgery there is a good chance I will not be able to make my 52 weeks deadline.
Wait, back up.
~12:30 this morning - Jennifer and I say goodbye to Dillon and Sheri after encountering a crazy hobo in Little Tokyo post Daikokuya.
~01:20 - Jennifer and I go to bed.
~02:20 - I wake up in a lot of pain and think I might have food poisoning or something. I'm howling in pain.
~02:40 - Jennifer wakes an RA and has him call an ambulance. Jennifer isn't sick, so it most likely isn't food poisoning (since Daikokuya broth and stuff comes from one large batch and we both ordered the same thing). We both think there is a possibility of appendicitis. I can't really walk at this point.
~ 02:50 - The ambulance picks me up and the EMT proceeds to ask me about my condition over 9000 times while I'm fighting to breathe through the excruciating pain. She also tells me that I "really need to calm down", at this point I am desperately wanting to punch this EMT in the face.
~ 03:00 - I arrive at the UCLA Medical Center's emergency room and they bother me about signing things while I'm shaking from muscle spasms (squiggles I tell ya) and my insurance.
~ 03:30-04:45 - The pain continues to escalate and they start treatment. They ask me a billion questions while I'm having trouble breathing, so speaking isn't exactly a walk in the park. They hook up about twelve different gizmos to my body and give me a shot of morphine to the arm. The shot fails to even touch the pain that is still getting worse by the minute.
About seven different doctors come into the room and have me repeat my condition and prod my abdomen asking me if it hurts. At this point, I'm hoping for a swift demise at best.
The X-Ray technician comes in and has me move around in several painful ways to get a few x-rays of my abdomen.
They finally give me another shot of morphine, this time via my IV. It still doesn't do anything to curb the pain.
I un-have dinner at some point. That was fun..
They give me a liter of fluids via IV.
Catheter. X_X
At some point the morphine beings to make me drowsy and I drift off to a fitful sleep (there is some machine I'm hooked up to that keeps blaring an alarm at me if I fall asleep, because I'm no longer taking a proper deep breath.)
Some point after the insult to my injury (Hey, you're having sharp pains that are going right through your abdomen, how about some burning to go with that?) Jennifer comes in and sits by me the entire time.
~ 04:45 - I wake up feeling like the pain has receded to levels where I can actually speak instead of thrash and moan/scream the entire time. At this point they give me a liter of nasty crap to drink so stuff shows up in a CAT scan. The x-rays were inconclusive.
~ 05:30-06:00 - I go in for the CAT scan and come back to the room. I call my Mom and inform her where I am and what is happening. She tells me I should have woken her up earlier. (Nonsense says I. Someone should get some bloody sleep.)
~ 07:00 - My mother arrives looking about as worried as Jennifer has looked the entire time.
~ 08:00 - They come back with the results of my CAT scan. Apparently I don't have appendicitis. I have kidney stones. The pain was coming from one of the pesky little buggers moving from my kidney to my bladder through a tiny tube. Epic bummer.
~ 12:00 - We finally leave the hospital and Jennifer and I take showers and try to get in a short nap before Jordan comes out to L.A. to pick up my car and drive me home. (Apparently you're not supposed to drive up to twelve hours or more after a morphine shot.)
So yeah. That was my day. I'm going to go to bed now. |
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| Vidja Games |
[Aug. 19th, 2008|06:32 pm] |
I've neglected quite a few things in my life. I've only started to get back to a few of them. Let me tell you, it is much easier to not do something than it is to do it. Currently I'm downloading a few updates for My Xbox360 and I plan on doing the same with my Wii soon. I need to finish things, I need to use things I have. Otherwise what was the point of purchasing these things?
The other things I want to get back into include music (guitar), paintball, writing, exercise, tea, cooking, baking, reading (already doing to some extent), and succeeding in school. I think I've been unbalanced for far too long and I've let it take control of my life. It leaves me feeling rather blah and energy-less. I know it may sound silly to insist that I've let my recreation slide and that its a bad thing, but I do think it is lowering my quality of life. You can only sit around asking yourself and your friends what you want to do for so long before you realize you're becoming pathetic. At least I've maintained a tenuous grip on my photography, though even then I could be more ambitious and creative with it.
Am I just lazy? Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really escape the need I seem to feel to do basically nothing. I suppose I just have to be vigilant about it, patterns are easy to fall into. Even patterns of recreation. |
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| Sigh |
[Aug. 18th, 2008|11:26 pm] |
| [ | Current chemical imbalance |
| |  depressed | ] |
Not having the ability to give Jennifer a proper goodbye for the majority of the time she's been at her folks house is depressing.
Not having a place of my own is depressing.
Not having a lot of flexible finances is depressing.
Not having done well in school and having screwed myself over a lot in the past is extremely depressing.
Not being able to just relax anywhere is depressing.
Having to get up at 02:30 to go to work is depressing.
I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm tired, but I can't seem to get to sleep. I don't want to sleep alone tonight, but its the only option I have. Things are decidedly less than optimal. I don't know when they're going to change either. Sigh. |
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| wut |
[Aug. 15th, 2008|08:33 pm] |
| [ | Current chemical imbalance |
| | amused | ] |
me: Heh. I called your house
Jennifer: Ah.
me:
Me: Is Jennifer there?
Your Mom: Who is this?
Me: Marcus.
Her: Marx?
Me: MAR-CUS (static, static, static)
Her: From where?
Me (baffled): Uh, Upland?
Her: We're not interested. click
XD |
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| Heh |
[Aug. 15th, 2008|01:32 pm] |
| [ | Current chemical imbalance |
| | amused | ] |
Jennifer: I like the way you smell.
Me: How do I smell?
Jennifer: Like "Holy crap, I want to have sex with that.".
Me: XD Awesome.
Feel free to correct me if I missed anything Jennifer. You know how my memory is. |
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| Damn it |
[Jul. 7th, 2008|10:23 pm] |
| [ | Current chemical imbalance |
| |  angry | ] |
I went to turn off my air conditioning unit when I noticed that it was dripping into my room. It ruined the copy of Quicksilver that Jordan gave me and the copy of Fast Food Nation that Miranda gave me. In my hurry to try and salvage the situation my bottle of Da Bomb Beyond Insanity Hot sauce was broken. Fuck. I'm pretty pissed right now, and I'm up later than I want to be. Fuck you window air conditioner. I didn't even want it on, my Mom wanted it on. Goddamn it.
Edit: Also, fuck you salmon bot. I dislike strangers. |
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| Lonely |
[Jun. 24th, 2008|08:28 pm] |
| [ | Current chemical imbalance |
| | lonely | ] |
Today was an especially lonely day for some reason. I think I may go to bed early tonight. |
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| Things Have Changed |
[May. 28th, 2008|05:11 pm] |
| [ | Current chemical imbalance |
| | depressed | ] |
At some point during my life, school stopped being a priority. I stopped worrying about college and started worrying about other ancillary things. I'm still struggling to get on the right track with varying degrees of success every quarter. This just isn't cutting it. This quarter probably won't produce the best results because of several factors.
Things need to change. I can't be in college the rest of my life.
I saw a t-shirt today (The AIAA t-shirt[That's the Aerospace club]) that said "Aerospace Engineering, because graduating in four years is like leaving the party at 10:00pm. How true is that? Very true, however I'm pushing the limits of that even. I really need to change things. That's why during this Summer, I'm going to completely redesign the way I use my time and think about school.
1) I use the Internet too much. Plain and simple. I like it here and as such, I'm here often. I need to stop allowing myself to get caught up so much in the web. It isn't healthy. I think it may be possible that I have some sort of addiction to the Internet at this point. However, I still need the Internet and my computer, so I just need to be smarter about my time management.
2) I avoid schoolwork/homework as if it physically hurt. I get all pumped up about changing things, but then when it comes time to put pencil to paper I start getting very unfocused and nervous. I can't concentrate and I have to really force myself to study or even attempt to study.
3) My workspace is a mess. That's why I'm going to get another desk in my room solely for work. No computer, nothing that isn't work related. Stapler, paper, pencils. That should be about it.
4) I don't sleep nearly enough. I'm going to have to start going to bed at 21:00 at the latest on work nights. I need more sleep. I think sleep deprivation is causing a lot of my problems at school.
5) Wishing I had more time while not using the time I have productively. If I finally finish school, I'll finally have a real job, with a decent income and I won't have to be embarrassed about being such a fuck up anymore. I really do feel like a failure and I think most people would probably agree that at this point, I really am one.
So, with all of this in mind, I'm going to attempt to salvage what is left of this quarter, but without these radical changes. I'm going to make the small changes I can with the time left and then over the summer I'm really going to re-plan my life. I'm burned out and uninspired right now. I have no motivation and no ambition. I need to find that again. I can't go on like this anymore. Its simply too painful.
I know I've said this sort of thing in the past, but time is running out. I'll be twenty-five this year and I'm still not finished with my degree. That's pathetic. I'm tired of feeling pathetic. I don't yet know exactly how all of this change is going to come about, but damnit it will. This is my last chance to make something of myself.
I just wish I didn't feel so tired already. |
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| Tired |
[May. 21st, 2008|09:18 pm] |
Don't sleep much lately. Tired as hell. Midterm tomorrow. Feel iffy about it. We'll see.
I'll study more in the morning. I need some sleep. |
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